


the parent trap

by hqdorks



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, ango is a very very smart boy, kravitz is a teacher, taako is ango's dad!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-10-22 00:07:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10685703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hqdorks/pseuds/hqdorks
Summary: Ango starts out at a new school & his big gay dad gets big gay feelings for the big gay english teacher.





	1. why does everything have to be about vore

**Author's Note:**

> this here first chapter can be taken as a one shot of taako and angus & their dad-son dynamic but as I follow through with this story it will get gay

Angus crawled into bed next to Taako and started to try and bury himself under the cocoon of blankets. “Hello,” he said softly.

 

Taako turned off his phone and set it down next to him, “What’s up, little man, nervous about school tomorrow?” 

 

He nodded.

 

Taako plucked the glasses off Angus’ face with mage hand and put them on the bedside table. “I tell ya’ what, buddy, I’ll make you the pancakes with the smiley face for breakfast.” 

 

“Really?” Angus said, a little too loud for the time of night, but the enthusiasm was appreciated. Taako never made smiley face pancakes anymore so the prospect of something as trivial as blueberries arranged in a certain way was enough to lift Angus’ spirits. 

 

“It’s okay to be nervous on the first day at a new school. Especially for you, my dude, you’re like six. Listen you’re gonna be at a school where everyone is  _ at least _ four years older than you, so you’re allowed to be nervous.”

 

“Um, that doesn’t really help-”

 

“ _ But!  _ But, think about how excited you are to learn stuff.” Angus had a thirst to knowledge that Taako didn’t have when he was a kid. Angus has a lot of the book smarts he still doesn’t have. He was glad that his kid was nothing like him though, it would suck to have to raise a baby delinquent. 

 

Angus, his ten year old boy genius, would be starting the ninth grade tomorrow. He felt an immeasurable amount of pride, but also a gnawing anxiety for sending his small child to a high school. Angus had felt alienated before when he was just two grades ahead. He had been a lot smarter than all of his classmates. Taako’s hoping that some kids will think Angus is cute and humor him at least a little. Angus is a charming kid who can beef with the best of ‘em when it comes to holding a conversation about anything. If he could homeschool Angus he would, but he has to work, and face it, his kid is smarter than him. All Taako wants is whatever's best for his son. 

 

***

 

He woke up thirty minutes early to get started on pancakes, leaving Angus curled up in a tight little ball of boy in the middle of his bed. 

 

Lup texted him while he was throwing together ingredients. 

 

**the evil twin:**

**ur probably awake rn cooking some dumb kiddie breakfast food for agnus**

 

He chuckled to himself as he tried to come up with a reference that was both outdated and applicable. 

 

**_ok raven simone,, can ur future vision tell me if my kid is gonna be mauled by teenagers today ??_ **

**the evil twin:**

**blease.. give him 2 days & he’ll have the entire student body worshiping the church of angus mcdonald taaco the worlds greatest boy detective **

 

**_i gotta slap these puppies down and go wake m’boy_ **

 

**the evil twin:**

**if theyre the pancakes with the blueberry faces then save some for me i’ll break in later to get them**

 

***

 

Taako knocked softly on the open door to his bedroom, “Wakey wakey, sentient breakfast cakes awaiting a small young man to vore them for nourishment.” 

 

Angus sat up out of his pile of blankets, “Good morning, why does everything have to be about vore?”

 

“Take it up with god, kid. Now go brush your hair. You look like you’ve been electrocuted.” 

 

***

 

“In two weeks when you get tired of driving me to school are you going to make me ride the bus?” Angus asked from the passenger seat. Taako rationalized that he’s technically in high school now so he should be able to sit in the front seat. 

 

He pulled into a parking space next to a car with a ‘Honk for Istus’ bumper sticker. “No way, little taquito, at least not until some older kid adopts you as their own and makes a blood oath to protect you.” He pulls the keys out of the ignition and almost looks to the back seat for Angus but remembers that the kid is right next to him, “Did you remember all your stuff?”

 

Angus nods, “Yes, and I even brought a new book from the library in case I get bored!”

 

“Awesome, now let’s bounce, Daddy’s gonna have a chat with someone.”

 

“Who?”

 

“Whoever I see first.” 

 

They walked into the main office at the front of the building, from what he could see there weren’t many kids there yet. It was thirty minutes until classes started after all. Taako leaned forward onto the desk.

 

One of the secretaries came up to them, “Can I help you?”

 

“Hi, um yeah, I’m Taako Taaco. Angus here,” He placed a hand on top of the aforementioned twerp’s head, “is starting today and I wanted to see if there was someone who could show him around so he doesn’t get lost and die or something.”

 

“Oh, of course. I’ve heard about him, such a smart kid, huh?” She looked down at Angus, “Your parents must be so proud.” 

 

Angus was smart; smart enough to know when he was being patronized. He looked up at Taako, “I’m only a small child so my ability to gauge expressions isn’t the best, but looking at my father’s face right now I’d say pride is certainly there somewhere.”  

 

The secretary just nodded for a solid two seconds before saying, “I’ll call down to the guidance office right now to see if I can get the counselor to come down and show you around.” She walked away from the desk to a phone.

 

Taako kneeled down to be eye level with Angus, “You sure about this, Ango?”

 

Angus fluttered his hands at his sides and looked out the windows the faced into the hall. “Um, yes. I want to learn things I can’t on my own, so I have to come to school.” He said this as if he was reminding himself and not reassuring Taako. “I’ll be okay.” 

 

Taako ruffled up his neatly combed hair, “Think about how much cooler you are than Merle’s dumb kids. They still go to school across the street like a couple of losers.” He then re-straightened Angus’ hair and patted his cheek. “You’ll do great.” 

 

“Thanks, Taako.” 

 

An approximately hug sized robot floated in through the door behind them, it appeared to be made up of mismatched parts and there were drawings and little art projects taped and glued to it’s body. “Good morning, everyone. Good morning, Angus.” The robot said in a sweet southern accent. “My name is Noelle,” the robot gestured to a printed name on her front ‘N0-3113’ “it’s very nice to finally meet our new little boy genius.” She hovered a little lower to be at level with Angus and stuck out one of her hands for him to shake. Then she floated back up and did the same for Taako. 

 

“It’s nice to meet you too, miss,” Angus said politely. 

 

“I’m the counselor for all the ninth and tenth graders here so if you ever need anything at all you can come by my office. I’ll get you set up with your class list and a map of the building and then we can go around to all your classes. That sound good?”

 

Both Angus and Taako nodded. 

 

N0-3113 printed out two sheets of paper from part of her scraped together body, she handed them to Angus and circled and pointed out his classes on the map. 

 

“Okay, my mans, I better get to work. Remember if you need anything text me, and if I don't respond in two minutes,”

 

“Text ‘The Parent Trap’,” Angus recited. Taako kept an open group chat with all his free babysitters. Julia, Magnus, and their big dumb dog lived only a couple blocks away from their apartment and we’re always up for some Ango time. Auntie Lup couldn’t keep her hands off the little twerp. Merle could be badgered into doing whatever given enough guilt tripping. 

 

“And you know good ol’ Lucretia works around this joint somewhere so if you bump into her tell her Taako says hey.” 

 

Angus nods and tugs on the hem of Taako’s shirt a little, a habit that he picked up before Taako learned to live with hugs and mushy stuff, “Tell Lucretia you say hey.” 

 

“Lucretia?” N0-3113 pipes in. “She’s our ninth grade history teacher. You have her in the afternoons,” she points to a slot on Angus’ schedule.

 

Taako looks up at the clock above the door, “I really should get going now.” One last thought pops into his head, “Hey, can I drop by and check in during his lunch period?”

 

N0-3113 tells him he can. 

 

Angus hugs him around the waist, “See you later, Taako, have a good day at work.” 

 

Taako pats his son on the head, “You too, kiddo, text me an hour before lunch so I can ship out on time, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

  
N0-3113 leads Angus out into the halls and Taako goes back out to his car. He sits there with the keys in the ignition for a good three minutes before he finally leaves.    


	2. an english teacher, the academic embodiment of death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so,, i have this school set up on a blocking schedule like my highschool is because it's gonna be a lot easier for me (and ango tbh) since i wont have to queue/make up 8 classes for ango, just 4. heres how that works: theres 4 classes that take up two periods each and a one period long study hall at the end of the day. thats it. 
> 
> also,, im going to be shifting perspectives between taako and kravitz bc i've decided that it's the best course of action . it would be super weird if it we're from angus' perspective and here especially at the beginning there will be important exposition happening at times where taako and kravits arent in the same space. but don't worry, i wont change perspectives in the middle of a chapter e v e r

Kravitz hadn't been having the best first day ever.

 

He had  _ just  _ moved to the area to live closer to his mothers. He had breezed through the hiring process since both of his mothers held tenure in this history department. The only open spot in the language arts department was English 9. English 9 being the worst class to teach since you’re basically building off of nothing. English 9, where he would have to teach practically illiterate fifteen year olds about literary devices. 

 

Kravitz hadn't always wanted to be an english teacher, the academic embodiment of death. He had wanted to go more towards the musical aspect of things. But, as they say, life happens. 

 

In spite of the less than favorable conditions, Kravitz was excited to start. He loved teaching. It was like being paid to rattle on and on about things he’s passionate about to people who are required to listen. 

 

Of course, fifteen year olds are evil little gremlins with a taste only for tears, and he was new meat. Meaning if his first impression wasn’t  _ perfect  _ his life would be made a living hell for far longer than this semester's students would be with him. 

 

He didn’t get his first block roster until this morning, and scribbled in the margin was  _ ‘Good luck, new guy, we actually feel really bad about this. Sorry.’  _ Which is a bad omen if he’s ever seen one. 

 

He made the mistake of not making a seating chart. Wanting to seem cool and approachable lead him down the steady path to destruction. Before class even started he had been able to notice three discrete clumps of child delinquents, assholes, and burnouts. In previous positions he had proved very capable of profiling students into categories based on how troublesome they would be, and  _ oh boy  _ would his first block class be a mess. He didn’t want to have to course correct this early on but if he didn’t he’d be thoroughly screwed.

 

“Now, I’m letting you sit where you like, near whom you like, on the basis that I trust you to act maturely.” These were all new students so the whole ‘ _ act like adults because you’re in highschool now’ _ usually worked at least a little at first. “But if there are any problems I will have to make new arrangements. I understand that a lot of teachers say that and some of you will be bound to ignore my warning, but it’s all on you here. You can choose to be near people you like to talk to at the appropriate times, or you can choose to do so when you shouldn’t be and be isolated from those people. It’s all up to you.” He had said while going over the syllabus. 

 

By the time first block had ended he knew he had set himself up to fail. Since he didn’t give his first class a seating chart he couldn't with the rest. 

 

After his less than stellar first block another teacher from the language arts department came by to visit him in his darkest hour.

 

She had knocked his door and let herself in quietly. She was a very slight Dragonborn woman. “So, how’d it go?” she asked, he face creased with concern and a little bit of pity. 

 

“I’ve had better days,” he looked at his watch “and it’s not even eleven yet.” 

 

She took a seat at one of the desks closest to his, “Yeah, that bunch isn’t the greatest. The rest of us are in cahoots with all the teachers at the middle school across the street so we hear about all the bad eggs to look out for. I’m Carey, by the way, Carey Fangbattle. I teach English Ten.”

 

“A pleasure, my name is Kravitz Malveaux.” 

 

“Sorry I didn't get to meet you before today. My wife and I just got back from our honeymoon two days ago.” She said in that way you do when you want someone to inquire further on your life.

 

Kravitz obliged, “Really? Congratulations.” 

 

“Thank you. _My wife,”_ she emphasized it like newlyweds do when they still haven't gotten over being able to say that they’re married. “works across the street. She’s the only gym teacher in the entire school. They work her to death but hey, they can't afford to fire her.”  She slouched down and looked at her hands to inspected her nails. “So, Kravitz, what brings you to the area?”

 

“I went to school in Neverwinter and stayed there in a couple teaching jobs for a while but I moved here to live closer to my mothers again. Both of them teach history here.”

 

“Your mothers? You mean Istus and Raven? I love those two!” She perked back up and nearly jumped from her seat. “They are amazing. Istus knitted me and Killian matching sweaters for our wedding. They’re so sweet.” 

 

They continued to chat back and forth about the inner working of the school, who was on good terms with who, who to stay away from, and so on. Seemingly childish gossip that no matter where you went you couldn't escape. They talked about how neither of them had wanted to be english teachers. Carey had wanted to be a detective, but her father wanted her to pursue something else.   

 

His next class wasn’t until third block so he set to trying to profile and prepare for that class. It looked much more tame than the last one, as honors classes usually were. It was mostly uneventful save for the one student who didn’t have a picture on file and had two last names.  _ Angus McDonald Taaco.  _

 

***

 

His honors class ambled in and claimed seats before the bell rung. Kravitz was just finished with attendance when an actual small child walked in.

 

“I’m so sorry I’m late, sir. I was halfway across the building before I realized I was going the wrong way,” the boy said, clearly panicked. 

 

He heard voices too loud to be whispers from the class,  _ ‘Oh my god, a baby.’ ‘That’s racist maybe it’s just a dwarf.’ ‘You idiot, it’s a real human baby.’  _

 

“That’s okay. It’s just my first day too. I’d probably get lost as well.” Kravitz tried to calm him down. “Please, take a seat.” There was only one seat left in the very front of the middle row. 

 

Kravitz unmarked Angus McDonald Taaco as absent. “Well,” he started “my name is Mr. Malveaux, you can call me Mr. M if you’d find it easier. A little bit about myself, I just moved to the area a little over a month ago. I grew up and went to school in Neverwinter and moved here to be closer to my family. I’d like to go around the room and get to know a little about each of you. You can just say your name and if you’d like, you can tell us something about yourself like a hobby, or a favorite book, or if you play a sport.” He didn’t normally do this but his own curiosity got the best of him. He didn’t want to single out the kid right in front of him who’s feet didn’t touch the ground when he sat in the desks built for people much larger than him.

 

When it got to Angus he grinned although he looked nervous, “My name is Angus, I’m ten years old, and my favorite book series is ‘ _ Caleb Cleveland: Kid Cop _ ’ because my dad used to read them to me when I was little….er.” 

 

“Yeah, um, who let you in here, little buddy? Are you lost? Where’s your mom?” A student half shouted. 

 

Angus looked a little confused for a second, “Uh, I almost got lost on the way to this room, but, um, I’m supposed to be here. I don’t like to brag but I am very smart for my age. I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it for now though.”

 

Kravitz stepped in before more students jumped Angus, “I’m sure we’re all curious about our young classmate, I know I am, but let's not scare him anymore than we have to. He’s probably been dealing with this kind of thing all day.” He grabbed a stack of papers off his desk and started passing them down the rows, “This is you syllabus for the course. It outlines all the books we will be reading, all of the major projects and assignments, and any other information that may be important to you later on. So please keep it on hand.” 

 

He kept his eyes on Angus trying to decipher how exactly a ten year old managed to end up enrolled in a high school honors class. While going over the syllabus, every time Kravitz asked if anyone had read one of the books Angus would raise his hand. Most of the time he was the only one doing so. Even with some of the less popular readings like  _ ‘The Scarlet Ibis’  _ and ‘ _ Fahrenheit 451’.  _

 

“How about  _ ‘Romeo and Juliet’ _ ?” he asked. Five or six students raised their hands, including Angus. “We’ll be doing some interesting stuff with it, how did you like it? Was it good?”

 

There was a chorus of  _ yesses _ , but Angus disagreed quietly. 

 

“Was it a bit to grown up for you?” someone snickered. 

 

Angus picked his head up a little but kept his eyes trained forward, “No, I understood the material. I actually really enjoyed Shakespeare's use of sonnets and melodic dialogue.” he started to count off on his fingers, “But it didn’t follow the classical rules of drama, the tragedy occurred because of fate and not a flaw in the hero's character like it should have. I thought the attempts at comedy we’re cheap and tasteless. The plot was far too needlessly convoluted to be enjoyable. The romance between these two children was forced beyond belief, and it really just made me uncomfortable to have to root for such an unhealthy relationship.” 

 

“Then why did you read if it’s so bad?” 

 

Kravitz could feel the beginning of a one sided argument starting.     

 

Angus let out a big, exaggerated sigh, “It’s my aunt’s favorite book. She bought me a copy for Candlenights a few years ago. I didn’t have much of a choice.”

  
The rest of the class passed blissfully uneventfully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has all been an elaborate ploy for me to give kravitz two moms 
> 
> (you cant tell me julia doesn't nut over romeo and juliet she's totally a softy for the romance trash but also really hard over the death)
> 
> i pulled kravitz's last name from [this beauitful piece of ART which all y'all should go read it you havent](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9268937/chapters/21008165)


	3. straight up murder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch Time with Taako !!

Taako pulled back into the school parking lot next to the ‘Honk for Istus’ car again. He was already halfway out of the door before he had thrown the car into park. He didn’t actually know how long Angus’ lunch period was so he didn’t know how much five minutes late would hurt him. 

 

Taako took long strides to the door, boxes of food balanced in his arms. He shuffled around trying to get a free hand to press the buzzer to be queued in. When he got into the main office Angus was already sitting there in a chair a little too big for him so his feet didn’t quite touch the floor. N0-3113 hovered next to him, showing him how to make something with origami paper. 

 

“Sorry I’m late, guy, traffic got a lil’ nasty,” he apologized. 

 

Angus shot up out of his seat, “Taako! Oh my, let me help with those!” Angus took two of the boxes off the top of Taako’s stack. 

 

N0-3113 bumbled around for a second, “Y’all can set up shop in one of the conference rooms right back here.” She lead them into a small room with some chairs set up around a round table.

 

Taako set out his boxes and started opening them, “I snatched a bunch of stuff from the restaurant for us to go ham on.”  

 

Angus pulled a box towards him and started to eat. Taako watched him silently for a long moment. 

 

To be completely honest, Taako was a nervous, overprotective dad. He would do  _ anything  _ for his kid, including worry out of his mind about him constantly. This whole situation had his brain blasting around to every possible thing that could go wrong. Each scenario he played through in his head ended in his precious little baby genius getting hurt or crying, both of which made him want to fuck someone up. He was willing to do so too. Throwing hands for his son was no sweat to Taako. He’d straight up murder someone who upset Angus. 

 

“So, how’s it been goin, bubala? Learning yet?” 

 

Angus picked away at his food for a few seconds, “It’s been okay. I’m learning a lot about how real high schools work. It’s different from books.” 

 

“Just okay? No problems at all. No one daddy’s gotta beat up yet?” 

 

He shook his head and pushed his glasses up on his nose, “No one has been mean to me. A lot of them treat me like a little kid.” He poked at a potato with his fork, “But I am a little kid so I can understand.” 

 

Taako’s phone buzzed in his pocket. “Hey now, you’re the smartest little kid out there. It won’t take any more than a hot second for you to make them realize that.” He pulled out his phone and checked the new message.

 

**maggie mango:**

 

**With Ango? He good?**

 

**_he good_ **

 

**Ok awesome, tell him me and Jul say hi.**

 

“Our happily married duo say hi, Ango.” 

 

Angus flashed a smile and pulled out his own phone, probably to text Magnus and Julia each a thank you.

 

“What do you have lined up for the rest of your day?” 

 

Angus turned his phone off and put it back in his backpack. “History with Lucretia and study hall with the nice english teacher.” 

 

“Perfect, you got a marker on you?” Of course he did. Little Ango was always prepared. Taako took the remaining box of food and scribbled a note on the top. “Do me a solid and take this to Lucretia, messenger pigeon.” He slid the box across the table to Angus.

 

Once upon a time Lucretia and Taako worked closely together. Long before Taako became a chef and Lucretia a teacher. They kept in contact all these years, and in the end it was thanks to her he was able to have Angus. “And tell me about this nice english teacher.” 

 

Suddenly, Angus animated again, “Mr. Malveaux is very nice and very smart. We even have the same opinions on some books! This is his first year teaching here. He’s new to the area.” Angus continued to rattle on about his classes, always coming back to english. 

 

A bell rung in the hallway, muffled inside the offices. 

 

“Oh, I have to get to class. Thank you for coming!” Angus jumped up and stacked empty boxes inside each other before he threw them away. He bounced around the table and wrapped his arms around Taako’s waist, “Bye, dad, good luck at work.” He snatched up his backpack and the food for Lucretia and rushed out of the room. 

  
“Love you, Aang, have fun!” Taako shouted after him.

 

Taako spent a little longer sitting in his car this time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love thinking abt how lucretia remembered all this stuff abt tres horny boys,, she remembered 100 years of living and working with them and generally being friends and probably some family like action in there and then they just,,,, forgot. the entire balance arc up until they drank the baby fish juice lucretia had to pretend she didn't know the boys and do all this acting.. i can imagine what she must have been feeling that whole time having to see these people that she definitely cared a lot about and not be able to have that relationship with them.. the spa trip with merle must have been fuckin surreal and probably bittersweet and terrible all at the same time,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, anyway i love thinking abt that


	4. Target Aquired.

Angus blasted through the first week very quickly. It was friday and Taako was dropping him off at school. He pulled up next to the ‘Honk for Istus’ car like he did every day now. Only this time he caught the driver getting out. The man was juggling a very thick stack of papers and a mug full of something hot. Speaking of something hot: him. He didn’t quite catch himself staring as let himself get a long look at every piece of this godly beast. He was tall, dark, and handsome. Not in the gross white people way of saying tall, dark, and handsome where it’s some bland, pasty egg lookin ass dude. But actually, dark. He was wearing a well fitted suit, and by ‘well fitting’ he means he could see everything. That fuckin suit hugged everything  _ just right _ it had Taako a bit all over the place. It had been a hot second since he had seen a man he’d wanna jump. Having a kid and everything really cuts down on that boner instinct. Every time he sees a hunnie his immediate first thought is ‘would he be a threat to my flesh boy.’ 

 

His brain boner was not killed this time.

 

“Taako, what are you looking-” Angus asked unbuckling his seatbelt. He leaned forward and over Taako to look out the window. “Oh…  _ oh!”  _ Angus pulled open his door and stuck his head up over the roof of the car. “Mr. Malveaux!” he shouted.

 

Taako recognized the name of Angus’ english teacher. Who jumped at the sound of his name and tossed everything out of his hands into the air. His papers littered the ground around his feet and his mug was shattered on the pavement, its contents soaking through his shirt and suit jacket. 

 

Mr. Beefcake looked stunned and confused for a few seconds. Then, “Fuck.” Substantially loud. 

 

“Oh dear, sir, I’m so sorry.” Angus jumped out of the car and rushed over to start picking up papers. 

 

Mr. Malveaux quickly shook himself out of his frozen state and kneeled down to pick up the shattered pieces of ceramic. “Be careful, Angus, don’t cut yourself.”

 

_ Target Aquired.  _

 

Sexy as hell and showing concern for his son’s safety? Perfect. Taako get’s out of the car and saunters over to them. “Anything I can do to help? My kid did just assassinate you, so I feel kind of responsible.” 

 

“Oh, no, It’s quite all-” he looks up from where he kneeled on the ground and his words caught in his throat. “Right,” he finally choked out.

 

Taako understood the effect he had on the gays. He saw the look in this dude’s eyes that betrayed the flashing beacons in his mind screaming ‘twink! twink! twink!’ 

 

“Nah, nah, I insist, homie. Even if it’s just with advice. If I we’re you I’d get that nice white shirt off and spray it with a water vinegar mixture as soon as possible, one to two hundred ratio, blot it out with a soft rag and wash normally. Works like a dream, compadre.” 

 

“Wow. You sound like you know what you’re talking about.” He sounded impressed. 

 

Taako knew how to please a man. He looked at this guy and saw a soft, domestic person. So he appealed to it. “Django is always a slut for some nice leaf juice. Every since he was a tot he would find a way to spill anything vaguely liquid on himself. He used to like to try and drink tea while laying down and end up waterboarding himself.” 

 

“Taako, stop exposing my tiny eccentricities to my teacher,” Angus piped in. 

 

Taako’s phone started angrily ringing at him from where he had left it plugged into the aux, broadcasting his ringtone to the world. Specifically the ringtone he had set for Lup. ‘ _ Hump me. Fuck me. Daddy better make me choke.’  _

 

“ByeAngohavefunatschoollearnsomethingnewIgottago,” Taako shouted out in one long breath as he rocketed himself through his car window to shut off his entire life. But before he could through his car into reverse and back himself off of a cliff he heard the most beautiful sound. The sound of a dick wetting man absolutely  _ losing his shit.  _

 

As he pulled out and around his child and future mans he peeped Ango saying, “My dad is a fucking dork.” And them promptly slapping his hands over his mouth only causing Mr. Malveaux to laugh harder. 

 

Two minutes later he got a text from Angus:

 

**cha’boy detective**

 

**Dad! I forgot to tell you that tonight is school open house! Will you come?**

 

He pulled over to the side of the street to respond like a responsible adult.  __

 

**_ofc baby boy i gots to assess ur teachers harshly_ **

 

**You just want to look at Mr. Malveaux, you big gay.**

  
**_dont come 4 me ur 5 and also my kid now go get ur dang education_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up: assessing harshly


	5. xoxo gossip girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont get too attached to this frequent updates my life is a train wreck

Kravitz was conflicted on whether today was a very good day or a very bad day. He spilled his tea all over himself, meaning he spent the day in just his t-shirt, because he saw a pretty man that made his limbs turn into a thin liquid. So that’s bad.

 

The good thing was that he got to see a very pretty man that made his limbs turn into a thin liquid. A man with warm brown skin and high cheekbones dusted with freckles, soft pale hair that draped itself gracefully over his slim shoulders, a voice with a cadence that reminded Kravitz of a song, and an effortless ability to make him laugh. He had thought he was gorgeous when he saw him from the car, but when he saw him up close his brain outright short circuited. When he spoke Kravitz didn’t really pay attention. He just found himself entranced with the way his lips moved and the way the sunlight caught on the glitter he had smattered across the high planes of his face.

 

The bad thing was that this man who seems to have stepped right out of a wet dream of his was the _father_ of one of his _students._ Meaning, he more than likely had a _wife._ Even worse, tonight was the school open house. An extraordinary student such as Angus definitely had the type of parents who would actually go to a school open house. Kravitz’s stomach dropped and his chest tightened at the thought of seeing him again. Which _fucking blowed_ becasue that means he has a _crush_ on his student’s, probably married, father.

 

Kravitz decided that today was a bad day and it had the potential to get even worse.

 

He straightened up his room for the second time, nervously flitting around and jamming books back in line on their shelves. Carey had told him that the only parents who come to these things around here were the crazy parents and the parents of honour students. “Exactly the type to bitch about shit to anyone who will listen, so pretend to know what you’re doing.” she had said. At previous teaching jobs in Neverwinter either _no one_ came or they didn’t have it at all. Kravitz was a little bit unnerved. It was nothing he couldn't handle, but he was shaken from the eminence of being faced with _him_ again.

 

A few parents wandered through and spoke idly about things that really didn’t matter. Mostly just questioning him about why he came to the area, or where he went to school, or where he taught before.

 

Then after about twenty minutes of nothing Angus showed up with his parents. His father's wrists and neck were adorned with chains and bangles that hadn’t been there this morning. He was tugged along by his son who chattered excitedly to him. His wife walked behind them, a loose, almost lazy, expression settled on her face. She had the same dark skin and hair as him. At the time it didn’t strike him as strange how similar they looked.

 

Kravitz stood on suddenly wobbly knees and stepped out around his desk, “Evening, Angus.”

 

Angus dropped his father’s hand and fiddled with the hem of his sweater while he introduced his parents by their first names, Taako and Lup. He recalled hearing Taako’s name that morning but the whole exchange had gone by so quickly that it didn’t strike him as a _name._

 

Taako shook Kravitz hand with both of his. _Ring, ring, ring._ Taako was wearing plenty of rings, Kravitz couldn't tell if any of them were a wedding ring but it was incredibly likely. He was still hoping somehow that he was wrong about Taako being married,  but he let that hope slip when Lup shook his hand as well and he noticed that at least one of her rings matched Taako.

 

They finished exchanging pleasantries. Taako told him that Angus was constantly talking about him and his class. Kravitz had felt a slight warmth rise to his face at that.

 

“Well, Angus is an incredible student. You two must be so proud of your son.” Kravitz said in an attempt to segway into an end in conversation so he would have to continue living his personal hell.

 

But Taako and Lup just burst out in laughter. Kravitz was sure he looked very confused.

 

“Ango isn’t my _kid.”_ Lup cackled.

 

Angus must have realized _exactly_ what was going on. The boy was far too perceptive for his own good. “I’m so sorry, sir, that’s my fault. Lup is my aunt. Sorry for the confusion.” He stuttered out.

 

“Your _aunt._ Gods, that makes so much sense.” Kravitz ran a hand over his face, completely embarrassed.    

 

“Shit, dude, I’m not _married.”_ Taako said with an edge of panic. “Angus is _adopted_.”

 

“Oh? _Oh.”_ Not only was the sexy elf dad not married but he probably never had been in the first place. Cutting out procreation increased the probability of a sexy _gay_ elf dad by enough to bring back Kravitz’s nerves ten fold.

 

Taako continued, “Yeah, I, uh, snatched this little gremlin up when he was three.”

 

Taako didn’t look like the type of person who even liked kids. Curiosity spurred him forward, “if you don’t mind me asking, what made you choose to adopt?”

 

“I used to have a job that kept me really busy. Before that I had a different job to keep me busy. But I was kinda left with a ton of free time and came across a lonely little kid who turned me into a sap. I guess free time plus newfound paternal instincts equal adopting a real human child on a whim.” Taako ended his sentence with a shrug.

 

“What is it you do for a living?” Kravitz pressed.

 

Taako flipped his hair over his shoulder then buried his hands in his pockets, “I worked for a scientific research organization, real hush hush stuff ya’know, then I wound up hosting a cooking show, now I’m just a cook.” A set of parents wandered in and Kravitz thought Taako might have looked a little disappointed. “Well, uh, we should leave you alone to do your thing.” He said.

 

“It was wonderful meeting you, Taako, Lup.”

 

Taako smiled and reached out for another handshake, his bangles jingled on his wrists as he wrapped Kravitz hand in both of his again. This time pressing a piece of paper into his palm. “Believe me, the pleasure is mine.”

 

Kravitz didn’t get the chance to take a look at the paper until the new couple left. It was written in a fluid, loopy script:

 

_dinner sometime on me, handsome_

_(xxx)xxx-xxxx_

_xoxo gossip girl_

_♡♡♡_


	6. grubby little queer fingers

It was eleven, on the dot, the next day when Taako received a text from an unknown number.

 

He was at brunch with the the parent trap: Magnus and Julia, Merle (and he has his dumb kids on weekends), Lup, Lucretia attended for the first time in a hot minute, Davenport and Barry Bluejeans showed up after hearing the Lucretia would be there (they had always felt like they were intruding on family time or something), and of course his little man. Overall, there were eleven of them. A pretty good turn out for weekly brunch in Taako’s opinion.

 

When Taako got a text that set off the default ringtone and not one of his personalized ones it was a shock. Almost everyone who would be texting him on the regular was sitting at this table.

 

Magnus picked his head up out of the omelette that he was maliciously choking down, “It’s  _ Him. _ ”

 

“It has to be  _ Him. _ ” Julia echoed. 

 

Lup leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms. She sent a sly look at Taako, “Oh yeah, it’s  _ Him.  _ Read it, dog.”   

 

Taako flipped his phone over on the table.

 

**(xxx)xxx-xxxx**

**When were you thinking, Blair Waldorf?**

 

He cackled shamelessly. 

 

“I’m missing something here. Who is  _ Him  _ and what’s going on?” Lucretia questioned. 

 

Lup leaned her elbows forward onto the table in a flourish, “Ya’know your new coworker? Kravitz.” 

 

Lucretia looked a bit sick, “You’re not doing what I think you’re doing?”

 

“Taako wants to fuck the sexy teacher,” Magnus blurts out around some eggs. 

 

Merle’s oldest kid,  _ Mavus?, _ looked mildly disgusted, “Young ears.” 

 

The conversation continued despite her. “Predictable. The moment I laid eyes on that man I knew you would find a way to get your grubby little queer fingers all over him. And all up in him, knowing you.” 

 

Taako gasped, “Lu _ cretia! _ You knew about him and you knew that I’d like him and you didn’t  _ tell  _ me about him?”

 

“I wanted to give him a fighting chance before you latch yourself onto his dick like an anglerfish.” 

 

Merle finally piped in, “Taako, buddy, we all know your type.” 

 

“Tall, dark, and handsome,” the table chorused in unison. 

 

“Anyway, what does the text say?” Julia all but slams her palms down on the table, shaking silverware and glasses.

 

Taako read off the message. 

 

Barry looked confused, “Okay, but what does that mean?” 

 

Taako explained the note he had given Kravitz the night before.

 

“I’m still lost.”

 

Lup elaborated, “Blair Waldorf is a character from Gossip Girl.”

 

“The bitchy one with gay dads.” Taako finished. 

 

“Fitting.” Angus said, looking up from his plate of waffles. 

 

Taako playfully nudged his son's foot under the table, “Shut it, Boy Wonder.” He then looked back up to the rest of the table, “So how do I respond to this?”

 

“Well when do you want to have dinner with him?” Lucretia asked as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

 

He leveled some serious side eye at her, “Preferably, a month ago. I could already be banging him six ways from Sunday if you had alerted me of his existence.” 

 

In retaliation Lucretia shifted her attention to Angus, “Aang, how do you feel about your dad trying to sleep with your teacher?”

 

The kid slowly lifted his attention from his plate again, “Oh. I intended this. Taako, did you think I actually _ wanted _ to go to the school open house? Heck no. And that morning in the parking lot, I totally caught you eyeing him up.”  

 

“ _ You little rat!  _ You mean to tell me you forced me into that horrible, awkward situation on purpose?”

 

Angus rolled his eyes, “Please, Taako, it was a dream come true for you. Because I startled him into spilling his tea on himself you got to ogle at his arms.”

 

Lup offered validation, “He’s fuckin ripped. Taak, give me your phone.” She reached across the table and grabbed it out of his hands. She read out loud as she typed, “ _ Tonight’s good for me. I can drop the twerp with Auntie Lup and I’m all free.  _ And send.” She dramatically slammed the send button before Taako could even protest.

 

Julia chimed in, “Ooh, that’s good. Putting in that part about Angus being with you means that if Taako can manage to bed him on the first date then the squirt’s out of the house. Subliminal fuck messages. I like it.” 

 

Merle sighed and stood, “Well, we’re all here. So we should do the thing.”

 

Magnus pushed his plate away from him, “Taako should be Jesus this time. Send it to your new man and establish that you have a large family with a big burly man in it willing to crush the skull of any threat to the bloodline.”

 

They flagged down a waiter and asked him to take a picture. They effortlessly assembled on one side of the table into an exact, save two missing, rendition of the last supper. As promised, Taako sat in the middle, hand spread out on either side of him like Jesus. 

  
In the original painting no one was facing directly forward. But this time when reviewing the photo, Magnus was looking directly into the camera with nothing but murder painted over his face.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gee wiz three pages of pure dialogue. literature at it's finest !!


	7. dont come for me it's my work accent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: coming in 4 months late with the starbucks that made me late

Kravitz’s Saturday morning had been routine. He woke up early, 6:30, went for a jog, stopped for breakfast at a little cafe, went back home, showered, graded assignments, practiced with his violin, and by then it would be almost noon. He was wandering around his kitchen looking for something to eat when he remembered.  _ Hot Dad.  _ His eyes found themselves staring at the time display on the oven.  _ 10:56. It’s a Saturday. When would it be an appropriate time to text someone on a Saturday? Is it even okay to do that before noon? Would eleven be okay?  _

 

Kravitz starting franticly searching for the little slip of paper with Taako’s number. He ended up finding it in the pocket of his pants from yesterday. Putting the number into his phone, he tried to think of something to say. Something witty and charming. Taako made a joke so he should too right?

 

**_When were you thinking, Blair Waldorf?_ **

 

He looked at the time. _10:59._ He waited. Second guessed himself. Started at the clock. The minute dragged on and on and on. The clock changed.

 

_ Send. _

 

Kravitz sighs out a heavy breath. He continues to stare at his phone glancing up at the clock more than necessary. Two minutes pass.

 

**2night’s good 4 me,, i can drop The Twerp w/ auntie lup and im all free**

 

He gives himself a few minutes to decipher the text entirely, trying to work out subtext. He gets caught up with that. The buzz of a new message startles him into dropping his phone. 

 

It’s a picture. Kravitz feels his lips stretch into a grin. Taako, at the middle of a long table surrounded by other people, including Angus, recreating the Last Supper. One man at the end is looking stone faced into the camera. It’s unnerving.  _ Wait.  _ He looks closer.  _ There, at the end... _

 

**_Is that Lucretia?_ **

 

**hahaa yeah me n luc go way back,,, she told me to play nice ;)**

**anyway what were u feeling for dinner we can go out but ngl im a wizard in the kitchen**

 

Kravitz has to decipher that one too. This is a first date. That’s terrifying. Taako said he was a chef. He said he had a  _ cooking show.  _ He probably really is a good cook. That would mean going to his house though. That would probably be casual, right?

 

His phone buzzes again.

 

**pasta and shitty box wine super lowkey we can watch master chef jr**

 

He’s smiling again. Taako is really making this easy for him. 

 

**_That sounds lovely._ **

 

**so do u but that accent has to be as fake as my ragu**

 

**_Don’t come for me. It’s my work accent._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super short but just a heads up that im back y'all
> 
> hopefully it wont take 4 more months for the fated D A T E


	8. company is coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [c o m p a n y i s c o m i n g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBwELzvnrQg)

The moment the Brunch Bill was split a solid seven ways Taako started recruiting. 

 

“Magnus, has anyone ever told you that you’re really good at disinfecting laminate floors?” Taako said gently slapping Magnus’ shoulder.

Magnus looked down at him from the corners of his eyes, “Really? Because last time I broke the Swiffer.”

“Perfect chance for you to buy me a new one, m’man.”

Twenty minutes later Magnus is scrubbing at the fake tiles in Taako’s kitchen attempting to remove stains that predate the building of the Great Pyramids.

“We gotta clean the house, now! Now! Now, people! I want this place looking like Disney On Ice in one minute.”

Angus is wandering around the apartment with a garbage bag throwing out anything that looks at all unimportant. Alongside him, Lucretia organizes anything and everything she can get her hands on. 

“Agnus, if you haven't made your bed, throw it away. It’s too late to make it now. Kravitz is coming!”

Lup is in the living room going at the couch cushions with the vacuum, pocketing any change she finds for herself. 

“Get rid of the couches. We can't let Kravitz know we  _ SIT!” _

Merle is on a step stool making a desperate attempt to reach the half-dead houseplants hanging in various windows and corners. 

“I want the toilet looking like one those chairs from the Men in Black headquarters.”

Barry, equipped with rubber gloves and a surgical mask, is in the bathroom armed to the teeth with bleach and bleach alternatives. 

“The chairs need to be pushed in. There cannot be any sign of  _ living  _ in this house.”

Davenport stands on the kitchen counters, stacking pots and pans in orderly piles and taking inventory of every item in the kitchen. 

“I don't care if we have to throw everything out. I want this place looking like a new Mediterranean fusion restaurant by noon.” The vacuum whirrs as Lup sucks up a handful of Doritos from in between the couch cushions. Taako screams. 

Julia is currently in the hall attacking every inch of the walls with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser™ like a madman.

“Angus. We cannot have beds. We need more pillows. Lup. I cannot stress this enough. I need those things looking  _ pumped.  _ I need those things looking  _ fluffed. _ ”

Taako watches this unfold, ruler of all he surveys. Feather duster in hand, he attempts to look like he’s doing something. Rather than actually get something done himself, he rules with an iron fist like an oppressive dictator. Kravitz is coming at five. 

“We need more birdfeeders. I need a birdfeeder at every window. Knobs. Julia, put sea shells on the doorknobs.” 

Taako is furiously putting away dishes when he remembers. “I need to go shopping,” he screams, dropping the plate in his hands on to the floor where it shatters.

“Yo what the fuck, Taako,” Magnus is on hands and knees a foot away with another Magic Eraser. 

“I need to go shopping.” A whisper. 

Davenport shouts over the noise of the apartment, “Hey, Taako what do I do with this?” He holds up a little sign that reads ‘ _ There will be no bitchen in my kitchen’. _

“Hang it somewhere very visible.”

***

Four thirty brought an empty apartment. Taako stood staring down into a pot of boiling water. He jerked his head up before he could let his make-up just melt right off. He lightly pats at his forehead just to make sure. 

He is not nervous. This is just a date. A date with a very sexy teacher. A date with his sons very sexy teacher. Nothing to worry about. Unless, of course, he messes things up so badly that he has to pull Angus out of his new school and move to a different apartment in another school district. Lucretia would never let him hear the end of it if that were to happen. But,  _ but,  _ that isn’t going to happen. That’s not going to happen because Taako is very good at what he does. He’s charming and beautiful and funny and he has an awesome kid. Everything is going to be fine. 

He’s still nervous. 

 

His phone buzzes in his pocket.

**mr. daddy:**

**I’ve just gotten a text from Lucretia saying, and this is a quote, you’re probably standing in your kitchen planning on moving to another state and I should just come over now.**

**_well she’s wrong bc i was only planning on moving to the next school district over_ **

**_and yes please come now before i set my apartment on fire_ **

**Okay then I should only be about 15 minutes :)**

He just used an emoticon. Taako stares at that little condescending little cuck **_._ ** It’s mocking him for sure. 

Alright. T minus fifteen minutes until blast off. Taako adjusts his hair. Tightens the knot on his  _ Kiss the Cook  _ apron. Checks his lipstick in the reflection of his dark phone screen one last time. He takes some steady breaths in and out. 

When he hears a knock on the door he counts to ten before opening it. 

Kravitz looks beyond great. He’s dressed casually. As casually as one can be while still wearing a collared shirt. 

“Oh dear,” he says, standing still in the doorway. 

Taako can't help that what he said next was an outright squawk, “‘Oh dear’ what?”

“You look lovely.” 

He can't see his own face but he can guarantee himself that it’s  _ red _ . “Uh, yeah, well come in, my guy.” Taako shuts the door behind him after Kravitz steps in. 

“I brought dessert. Hope you like chocolate.” Kravitz hold up a bag with a familiar logo. 

He snickers, “I love chocolate. If that's the Triple Mud Cake like I think it is you’ve made a good choice. I used to work at that bakery until they fired me for changing the names of menu items. Frankly, I think Eight Year Old Michael Jackson is a much better name than Triple Mud Cake, but the owner didn’t agree.”  

When Kravitz laughs it’s the warmest thing Taako can think of, like a campfire if Taako liked camping. If campfires were more like this guy he would probably go camping more than never. 

Taako leads him into the kitchen where he has approximately fifteen seconds until his pasta goes from aldente to a smooth paste. “You can put the cake on the counter I have to, oh gods.”

He gets the pasta situation under control as quickly as he can.

“I thought you were a chef?” Kravitz says, leaning against the counter. 

“And I thought you were nice but it looks like the both of us will end the night in disappointment.” Taako rolls his eyes about thirteen percent more dramatically than normal. He pulls down wine glasses from his newly organized cupboards. “I hope you like Wegmans brand,” he says grabbing the boxed wine from the fridge. 

Kravitz takes the offered glass, “You don’t strike me as the boxed wine type.”

“Balancing alcohol content with price per ounce is an art. Besides, I took Angus to the bookstore to go ham on the new releases so my expensive pallet will have to pay the price.”

“Angus is a great kid.” Kravitz sips at his wine. Frome tone alone Taako can tell he means it. It’s not the usual ‘great kid’ statement that you hear when you bring up you kid when the other person actually doesn't give a shit.

“Trust me, he was like that when I got him.”

Everything Taako had promised was there: Ragu, boxed wine, and Master Chef Junior. They talked about their jobs and hobbies and Angus. It was  _ nice.  _ Taako hadn't been on a date in a while, let alone a good one. The last okay date he had been on the guy got real quiet at the mention of his son. This guy met his son before him. He didn't know if the stars had aligned or what but things were doing just dandy for ol’ Taako.

It was eleven when they called it quits. 

“It’s been nice.” Leaned up against the door frame, looking up at Kravitz.

He smiled. Taako had seen him smile a couple dozen times at this point but a little part of him still melted. “Would you mind if I kiss you, Taako?”

“I didn’t wear that apron for nothing.”

Kravitz leaned forward, his hand coming up to cup his jaw. It was sweet and soft. He tastes like stupid cheap boxed wine and smells like cloves and smoke. 

When he’s gone Taako sits on his kitchen counter in the dark and finishes off the second box of wine.   

**Author's Note:**

> thank u @spaceapathy for being my beta & my best friend ily !!! 
> 
> [hmu on tumblr @softboymcelroy](http://softboymcelroy.tumblr.com/)


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